Narration Madness
by blanchettgrenade
Summary: Will be a short, comedy fanfiction. This is what happens when you give too much power to the narrator to do whatever he/she wants to the characters, even if the characters disagree. Sixth Chapter continues with Anderson!
1. Integra's Chapter

Author's Note: -claps- I don't own Hellsing, Kouta Hirano does. This fic looks a LITTLE bit like Know Your Stars, just a little.

* * *

**NARRATION MADNESS**

**Integra's Chapter**

"Aah, what's more relaxing than a Sherry mark wine, a sun under me, a nice elegant Hellsing-suit sort of dress and an adequate matching hat while reading The Independent UK News." - Integra.

_Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. _

_Enjoying her day like any other, away from work and Hellsing. In her home, under the sun and enjoying some heavy alcoholic drinks. Which will eventually lead her to unconsciously rape Walter._

"What?? What's the meaning of this??" -Integra looked around- "Who is saying such big horrifying LIE?!"

_-No Response-_

"Hmph..." -Integra gets back to her newspaper.

_Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing._

_We all know she's the head of the English Hellsing Organization, better known as the organization that manufactured the underwear you are currently wearing._

"WHAT?? We don't produce such personal clothing article!" -Integra once again looked around and up at the sky.

_-No Response-_

"You better show yourself!"

_Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing._

_It is quite obvious that her underwear with the Hellsing logo is being shown under her dress._

Integra covered her lap with the newspaper- "That is ABSURD!"

_We are also aware that she has, at least once in her life, slept with Pip, Emrico Maxwell, The Mayor, Anderson_, _Luke Valentine, Alucard with the addition of harassing Seras and almost succeeding._

"I'm a VIRGIN and NOT a lesbian!"

_-No Response-_

_She completely dedicates herself to her work, she is responsible, and knows how to give the right orders. Her desk is clean, neat and she wears elegant clothing all the time. But nobody -and I mean NOBODY- lets through such a silent symphony of beans through her butt._

_Like __Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing does._

"Excuse me? I visit the bathroom quite REGULARLY to do such disgusting- You know what? You sir, have NO MANNERS, so I'm not responding anymore."

_Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing._

_She is about to take Pip's underwear, place a piece of raw meat, frosted flakes, corn and rice in the middle and then wrap it up in a burrito for Seras to eat._

_-Minutes Later-_

"Sir Integra! I wouldn't wish to eat such... dish...."- Seras said, poking the wrapped up underwear Integra made.

"It's not me! It's a crazy narrator who is controlling my actions and bluffing lies!" -Integra replied.

_Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing._

"Not Again!!"-Integra.

_She and Seras are really good friends._

"Phew..."

_Who met each other through myspace._

"DAMN IT!!"

* * *

_R&R_


	2. Pip's Chapter

Author's Note: Hellsing is owned by Kouta Hirano. Applaud him for the characters and applaud me for the comedy (if there's any suited for you). I know you probably expected I was going to do Seras, but I'm moving up to Pip, because his undies were turned into a burrito.

* * *

**NARRATOR MADNESS**

**Pip's Chapter**

"Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo" -Pip said, as he was showering.- "I-m-go-nna-fawk-ya-like-an-animal. La La- La La- La La- La La- Laaaaa"

_-His Tune Fades and a squeak from the handle is heard-_

Pip dries himself and looks for his clothing. "Wha? Did I forget my underwear?"

_Captain Pip Bernadotte. _

_His underwear is missing._

"Well THANK YOU for pointing out that out, captain obvious."-Pip.

_Captain Pip Bernadotte._

_He will begin to make himself his own underwear, now that it was consumed by Seras as a special burrito. _

"That does NOT make ANY sense!"-Pip said to the roof. -"First of all, I DON'T KNOW how to make underwear, and second, I seriously doubt Seras would do such a thing!"

_-No Response-_

"Helloooo?"-Pip stopped looking at the roof.-"I should start laying off the Sherry brand wine"

_Captain Pip Bernadotte._

"Or Maybe it isn't Sherry."

_He isn't just the captain of the Wild Geese. He is also the captain of the Wild Buffalo, the Wild Buffalo Wings and his favorite..._

_The Wild Pet Walrus._

"Are you insaaane?? I'm only the captain of the WILD GEESE!!"- Pip.

_-No Response-_

"Fuck" -Pip said in anger.- "I need to find some underwear."

_-He exits with a hat covering his crotch-_

"I gotta find one quick!"-Pip.

_Captain Pip Bernadotte._

"Here we go again."-Pip said and then stopped.

_He is covering his crotch with Alucard's favorite, legendary red hat._

"No I'm no-" -Pip looked down and it turned out to be true- "AAAAH!!"

"What's going on?"-Alucard said, entering the scene.

_Captain Pip Bernadotte._

_Seriously cannot explain himself_

_...and is completely fucked up._

_Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha._

"You sick BASTARD!" -Alucard pulled out his gun and aimed at his crotch with the hat over it- "You did this to yourself with MY Hat?!"

"No-No! I can explain!-" -Pip ran away- "CHANGE EVERYTHING NARRATOR!"

_-No Response-_

"Are you serious?!"-Pip continued to run away as Alucard was chasing him with a gun.

"You won't hide-!!!"- Alucard.

_...Captain Pip Bernadotte._

Pip found himself in a dead end-"Please!! Change this!!"

_Is now traveling through dimensions and is currently stuck in a universe in which it is illegal to wear an eye patch._

"GOD DAMN IT!!!"-Pip.

* * *

_R&R_


	3. Seras's Chapter

Author's Note: I disclaim all content that belongs to Kouta Hirano. Applaud me for the humor or randomness you enjoy in this chapter. Sorry if it was a tad late, I had to continue my other Hellsing fic, "Oh So Majesty", before continuing this chapter.

* * *

**NARRATION MADNESS**

**Seras's Chapter**

"P-Pip"- Seras said, with a huge red face."... I'm s-sorry but... I...ate..."

_Seras Victoria._

_She just had a really nice meal._

Seras looked up with a look of disgust and shaking like a leaf. "That was.... terrible....."

_Seras Victoria._

_She basically sucked her fingers after eating the Pip Underwear Meal._

"Can't you hear me?? It didn't taste any good!" -Seras.

_-No Response-_

"I didn't know eating an underwear could make you... hear voices..."- Seras.

_Seras Victoria._

Seras look up again. "There it is again!"

_Before becoming a vampire, she and her group of Koalas Best Friends Forever [the K.B.F.F] went to steal mayonnaise from Cheddar Village to pass it under their shoes._

"Whaaaaat??" Seras's eyes widen. "They weren't koalas!! Koalas don't WEAR shoes!! And that's NOT what happened!"

_Seras Victoria._

_She was later the best cowgirl of the west!  
_

"What?!"-Seras.

_-No Response-_

"I think I just discovered what happens when you eat underwear..."-Seras.

_Seras Victoria._

Seras sighed- "I wonder what happens when you eat a bra..."

_Her dancing skills are fascinating and are admired by everyone._

_So to show her professional moves to the viewers, she has decided to do the chicken dance._

"Eh??"- Seras said, then did a chicken position.

_1_

_2_

_3_

_ARRIBA!!_

Seras- "How am I doing this??"

_Seras Victoria._

_-Numerous Koalas around her-_

"Since when does Hellsing own so many Koalas??"-Seras looked at the koalas in confusion.

_Brought her K.B.F.F team. She'll show you HOW it's done!_

"No I WON'T!!"-Seras said- "How is this happening?!"

**_Beaks_**

**_Wings_**

**_Tail Feathers_**

**_Four Claps_**

_Seras and the Koalas._

_What a nice dance team.  
_

"This defies every law of nature!"

_Seras Victoria._

"This is crazy!!"

**_Beaks_**

**_Wings_**

**_Tail Feathers_**

**_Four Claps_**

_And now, constipated!_

"NOOOOO!"

_Seras Victoria._

_Koalas love her._

_Very very much.  
_

* * *

_R&R_


	4. Alucard's Chapter

Author's Note: This is probably the one you've been waiting for. Alucard's Chapter! All characters belong to Kouta Hirano. In your reviews, suggest a character you would like me to do next. Also, please read _Oh So Majesty _which is my Sci-Fi Hellsing fanfiction and give some constructive criticism of your interest. I shall reply whenever.

* * *

**NARRATION MADNESS**

**Alucard's Chapter**

Alucard scoffed-"What did he thought my hat was?"

_-Alucard sees Seras dancing the chicken dance with a bunch of koalas-_

"Police Girl?!"-Alucard yelled.

"Master!! Run away from the _narrator!"_-Seras replied while dancing.

"Narrator?"-Alucard said- "What is this nonsense?"

_Nosferatu Alucard._

Alucard looked up.

_Knitting is one of his favorite hobbies._

He scoffed once again-"Yeah right-", he found himself knitting a sock. "What??"

_-No Response-_

Alucard threw away the knitting stuff- "Completely ridiculous."

"M-Master!"-Seras continued-"He won't..."

_Nosferatu Alucard._

_He is a loyal member of Costco and shops for groceries every day there._

"Costco? What the hell??"

_Ha Ha!_

_Look at his membership card!_

"That's just ridiculous" -Alucard felt something in his pocket, a picture of himself as a Costco member- "Since when I'm a Costco member???"

_What a loyal member, fans should be proud of him._

"What fans??"-Alucard pointed his jackal towards the roof- "What's so funny?!?!"

_He should be an Executive Member of Costco, being so will earn him 2% Annual Reward on most Costco purchases and receive additional benefits of their membership services._

_Come on fans, root for him!_

"I am NOT fucking around!!"-Alucard shot at the roof with his jackal in anger.

_Nosferatu Alucard._

_He enjoys the taste of ravioli._

_Mhm-Mhm-Mhm!_

Alucard continued to shoot.

_Especially from Chef Boyardee._

_-Chef Boyardee being cooked in a microwave-_

"Master! He's not on the roof!"-Seras.

"He's gotta be somewhere!!"-Alucard replied in anger.

_Nosferatu Alucard._

_Have you seen him on the advertisements of Head and Shoulders?_

"...No..."- Alucard then turned on the TV, seeing that he appears in such commercial- "Stop FUCKING AROUND!!"

_Watch out for the hair flip!_

"I'm a VAMPIRE!! I shouldn't be in a ridiculous advertisement like that!!"

_Nosferatu Alucard._

_Was __inconsiderate__ enough to leave the toilet seat up!_

Seras gasped- "Master!"

"This is pure NONSENSE! I'm a vampire!!"-Alucard.

_Nosferatu Alucard._

_Or Ally-poo._

_Has a myspace account._

_Pffft.._

_Everybody knows facebook is better than myspace!_

"I'M A VAMPIRE!! CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?!"

_La-La-La-La_

_La-La-La-La_

_La-La-La-La-Loooooooserrr..._

"THAT'S IT!!"-Alucard continued all his way around the Hellsing mansion trying to kill the narrator.

* * *

_R&R_


	5. Walter's Chapter

A/N: Yes, I'm here to torture more characters. I would always love to. I'm officially done with the Hellsing characters, but I have two options. I can do one chapter with all Hellsing chapters at the same time and then run with others or just simply continue with either Iscariot or Millennium.

Thank you all so much for your sweet reviews! I will continue this fanfiction until it's truly done. Kouta Hirano owns all these characters. Oh yeah, and Comedy/Sci Fi _Oh So Majesty_ will continue as well.

* * *

**NARRATION MADNESS**

**Walter's Chapter**

_-Alucard is seen shooting at the roof, angered at the narrator. Walter passes by.-_

"Master Alucard? Is there something on the roof that's causing a disturbance?"- Walter.

"Some dumbass I have to kill!!"-Alucard yelled angrily, continuously shooting the roof.

_Ah._

_Ha Ha Ha._

_Walter C. Dornez._

"Yes?"-Walter replied.-"Who said that?"

_Has been looking for his missing cat for months now._

"What?"-Walter replied."What cat?"

_-Seras walked by crying-_

"Seras! What happened?"-Walter questioned concerned.

"I.. I was drinking this milk carton... and and... "-Seras sobbed- "I'M SORRY WALTER!"

"About what? Ma'am, I can't understand..."

Seras showed him the back of the carton which reported a missing cat.-"Your kitty Fluffy! He's gone!"

"I never had a cat named Fluffy! And, who did this?!"

Seras shrugged and sniffed- "Probably the narrator that someone hired for us."

"Ah, I see now..."

_Walter C. Dornez_

_He used to be part of *NSYNC when he was younger._

"What?!"-Walter was now angered-"I certinately was not!"

_Yes Yes Yes!_

_They used to perform for vampires and ghouls attending World Cup II! Football Team Millennium hired them to win!_

"Millennium is not a football team!! This is rubbish!"-Walter replied.

_Alucard and Walter used to dance it as well, especially the song __**Bye Bye Bye.**_

"Don't get me into this, asshole!!"-Alucard said, shooting the area where it supposedly came from.

"I am ignoring this rubbish!"-Walter said this and walked away to Integra's office.

_-No Response-_

"I wonder if Sir Integra knows about this."-Walter entered Integra's office.-"Master?!"

_-Lots of underwear in piles all over the office-_

"Master!! What happened?!"-Walter ran to remove an underwear that was on Integra's face.

"According to this narrator, we're an underwear factory."-Integra replied.

_Walter C. Dornez_

"Where do you come from?!"-Walter questioned.

_He shall sing and perform his hit in front of his boss._

"No!! I won't!!"-Walter replied.

_He should also wear his pretty boys clothes from back then._

"No!"-Walter then blinked and began to sing. "Baaaaaaaaaaaaiii Baaaaaiiiiiii"

"W-Walter?"-Integra said with widened eyes.

_-Walter then excitedly jumped on Integra's desk and began to dance against his will.-_

"Don't wanna be a fool for you"-Walter sang.-"Just another player in your game for two!"

"WALTER!"-Integra yelled out.

_And now, Alucard will join him._

_-Door slams open and Alucard enters shirtless-_

"Iiiiiit aaain't no lie!"-Alucard sang against his will.-"Baby, Bye, Bye, Bye!"

_Ah yes,_

_and they shall rehearse for the big football game tonight._

_

* * *

_

_A/N:_ I know, crazy chapter. I highly suggest you listen to the song so it'd be more hilarious, otherwise, lots of you may remember this song from the past.

_R&R_


	6. Anderson's Chapter

A/N: Oh my gawsh, I'm so sorry I took so long... It's not that I was mind blocked or anything (this idea came as soon as I finished Walter's chapter) it's that I had a very long vacation (which I hated) and had to return to school to catch up in so many things. The only thing I could do here was _R&R_ other works and UPDATE my Zelda fanfiction.

I'm moving to Iscariot now.

* * *

**NARRATION MADNESS**

**Anderson's Chapter**

"And the bunny went hop, hop, hop..."-Anderson read to the children- "The end."

_-The children applauded when he finished the story-_

"Thank you, thank you..."-Anderson bowed to the audience-"In the name of God, be good."

_-The children left the room-_

"I hope they become good supporters and followers of Christ."-Anderson said to himself.

_Alexander Anderson._

"Who said that?!"-Anderson looked up.

_-No Response-_

"Hmph, I must find a new story for the kids other than The Bunny Who Collected 27 Carrots"

_Alexander Anderson._

"Again?"-Anderson stopped and looked up- "It's definitely not God."

_He is truthful to God._

"A voice that speaks truth, I find this ridiculously pleasant."

_And thinks wearing an earring on the right ear is cool._

"That is completely untrue!"-Anderson replied with anger-"I guess you're a heretic too."

_-No Response-_

"Hello?"-Anderson called-"This voice is playing with me."

_You guys see the earring on his right ear? He got it last week!_

"What?! I don't have an earr-"-Anderson felt something on his ear-"Christ!! It's an earring!! Get it off, get it off!!"

_-Anderson struggled with the earring for a couple of minutes-_

_Alexander Anderson._

"Remove this useless shit from my ear!!"

_He is from the Vatican. But at night, he goes out on stage with a wig and no glasses and sings rap/hip hop/R&B. He is famous for his rap name Pugnacious AA Kracker.  
_

"That's completely against my person!!"-Anderson continued to struggle with the earring.

_Alexander Anderson a.k.a Pugnacious AA Kracker._

"Don't call me that!!"-Anderson took his bayonets out.

_Will perform in Millennium's football game for the fans!_

"What are you talking about?!"

_Right after he gets a haircut at Iscariot's Super Cuts._

Anderson threw bayonets in the air- "DIE!!"

_And Anderson continued to have that earring on._

_

* * *

_A/N: For awkward reasons, I picture Anderson as a rapper or R&B singer more than I can picture Alucard being so. No idea why, shut up and eat your rice krispies. I probably gave away a fan art idea with this chapter, lol.

I have two other Hellsing comedy fics in production, so if you like my humor, you will have more ;D

Also, don't ask about "Pugnacious AA Kracker." Completely lame, I know.

This fic continues!

_R&R_


End file.
